What It Means to Be a Self-Differentiated and Having those Crucial Conversations
Self-differentiated Leadership
I think as a leader it is very important to be honest and make sure that your environment is encouraging. Friedman encourages leaders to focus on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than techniques for manipulating or motivating others.
Friedman (2007) also states that an effective leader has clear goals and remains consistent and unmoved in the face of resistance. This means that a leader has the will power to keep going and does not have the mindset to give up. An effective leader must be self-differentiated which means he or she must have a strong sense of who they are in their organization and are not consumed or swayed by others’ emotions. Differentiation represents uniqueness and individuality. It does not mean separate and alone. A leader must remain connected to their team.
I am very aware that on my path to leadership, I have not been differentiated and allowed myself to take on the problems and opinions of those around me. I naturally strive to make sure everybody gets what they want even if it causes chaos or more work for myself. I oftentimes find myself putting ”myself” last. Now, I understand that this is not a proper way to lead. I have to remain dedicated to my personal beliefs and goals and not get distracted or influenced by the complaints or arguments of others. I must remain unshaken by the emotional triangle, set apart from the emotional pull and still be a part of the team. In other words, I am in it to win it!
Having Those Crucial Conversations
It has been stated that in the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable–regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.(Patterson, Grenny, & Swizler, 2012) I agree with that 100 percent. I believe that not one person is greater than the other. In my innovation plan, Everyone will play a roll. Everyone will feel and know that they are important.
A lot of people may not know what the actual meaning of crucial conversations is. Crucial conversations are the daily conversations whose results could impact the quality of our lives (Patterson, Grenny, & Swizler, 2012). They are characterized by varying opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. We tend to avoid these conversations because they are tough. Instinctively, we go into fight or flight during crucial conversations so it is best that we already have our emotions managed as self-differentiated leaders so that we do not mess up the opportunity or run away from it.
I am looking at implementing the 4DX model as part of organizational change. We cannot hold each other and ourselves accountable if we do not have conversations. Those conversations will not always be easy, but we can “make dialogue the path of least resistance” (Patterson, Grenny, & Swizler, 2012) with the Crucial Conversations Model. So how can we make this happen?
Get Unstuck:Identify why you are not successful
On my campus, I have co-workers who do not embrace change and take it as a personal attack when asked to look for ways to improve instruction. I know I will have to have tough conversations with them. I do feel however that I will definitely be able to reach them because I use to be that person. I use to be afraid to have crucial conversations with people because I got offended with them giving me any type of criticism. So I know what it’s like to feel low and feel like you are being attacked.
Start with Heart and Focus on what you really want
There are several questions that you have to ask yourself:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I want for this relationship?
It took a while for me to really figure out what my goal was for my organization. I knew that I wanted to incorporate blended learning and hands-on activities through eportfolios but what I really wanted was for teachers to have the skills and confidence to allow students to control their learning by having relevant and engaging lessons. I wanted students to feel like they had choice, ownership, voice and authenticity as it relate to their learning experience. I also want my co-workers to feel comfortable when coming to me to learn. I want to be trusted to make good instructional decisions. I want us all to be on the same team when it comes to what is best for the students that pass through our school. I do not want the other educators to feel intimidated or overlooked. I do not want anyone to feel as though they are not effective in their classrooms.
Learn to Look! Ask yourself, Is it Crucial? Is it Safe?
When conversations become crucial, it is important to make sure that people feel safe to share. When people feel unsafe, they become silent or violent. This means that people either withdraw or run away from the conversation or become forceful. Also, while watching for behaviors, I also need to watch my own. I tend to withdraw as I do not like conflict. I am very passive so this is quite hard for me. This might signal to others that I am in agreement of those with opposing views or too passive to lead. Being aware of this means that I can prepare myself to be self-vigilant and make adjustments during the conversation if needed. It is always very important to test the waters. You have to survey the person that you are talking to and dealing with.
Make it Safe and Rebuild Safety
To make is safe, there needs to be mutual purpose at the outset of the conversation. We all have a common goal and all of our thoughts are valued. There also needs to be mutual respect for the conversation to continue. Without respect, people become defensive. When the conversation becomes unsafe, it is best to apologize when appropriate, address concerns and confirm respect (contrasting), and create a mutual purpose when none exists.
Mastering My Stories and Staying in the Dialogue
As the conversation continues, it is important that I pay attention to my behavior to make sure I am not heading towards silence nor violence and recognize what emotions are creating this story. Once I figure out my role, I can focus on the facts regarding this change.
S.T.A.T.E. My Path! Be Persuasive!
We must start our conversation with facts and not opinions. Facts are not controversial and are most persuasive. Our stories are told with confidence and contrasting if needed. Then, we allow others to tell their stories and state their facts. This goes back to mutuality mentioned above. Our stories must me told tentatively as not to imply they are the complete story and absolute truth. And we must invite everybody to safely share their opinions no matter how different or opposing.
To read my full reflection please click the link below:
Meet Fearless With Unshakable Faith
Respected Educator